Week 4 Power Rankings: "You can be a good neighbor only if you have good neighbors." - Howard E. Koch
Despite our efforts to get the interview with the Commish, he rescheduled 3 times saying he was too busy to "give the people what they want" we were unable to get time with him this week, but stay tuned as it will happen. Moving on from Mr. Big Time, there was plenty that went on last week including conspiracies, controversial calls, vandalism, and violations along with a shake up in the standings between the three last place teams.
To start the week off team blue looking to rebound from their dismal performance the past two weeks was on pace to have a 4-0 week, however they ran into a buzz saw from the officials in their game against black. League officials went back and reviewed the tape however no disciplinary actions will be taken based on the findings. Let’s set the stage, team blue was dominating team black in their neutral ice game after the official scorer, Luke Volk shattered a pane of glass in the prior game with his muffin of a shot. Not sure how that happened but likely it was a manufacturing defect that caused the glass to break despite Luke continuing to talk about it for hours after (most words he has said at Greasy Mitts since his debut in the league some 8 years ago). Anyways, the net was kicked off slightly by team black’s goalie however no one bothered to say anything or do anything about it until team blue scored the go ahead goal. Luke right away made a call that the net was off however in looking at the video, it appears it was not off by much. Nonetheless, the call stands and team blue got screwed. Rumors have been floating around about a conspiracy between Luke and team black that apparently involves a cash payment to him in exchange for road side assistance for the team.
Speaking of conspiracy’s, the Greasy Mitts gambling commission is looking into potential collusion between two members of opposing teams who conspired to screw their buddies out of cash by teaming up to bet on the weekly scoring leader. These allegations come with severe fines and penalties that may be imposed should there be conclusive evidence that these two are complete a-holes. With the upcoming holidays it appears as two individuals really are concerned with personal wealth than Christmas spirit.
We had a beer violation last week in which a member of the league on the blue team who will remain nameless failed to bring beer in a cooler with ice. This type of behavior will not be tolerated and although late, it is rumored another member from team yellow who played for a D1 school northwest of the twin cities, failed to bring an adequate number of beers two weeks ago. May I remind you that within the code of conduct which you all acknowledged reading by paying your league fee, rule 87.4A paragraph 3 clearly states:
Any member of a team who is assigned responsibilities for bringing beer shall comply with the guidelines below:
No less than 288 ounces of beer shall be brought by player with beer responsibilities;
Beer in the amount of the aforementioned 288 ounces shall be safely stored within a soft or hard side cooler (buckets and or other containers are allowed provided they do not leak), and;
No less than 5 lbs. of ice shall be neatly packed around the aforementioned 288 ounces of beer such that each can will be at a temperature of no more than 40 degrees Fahrenheit, and;
If you drink a cheap beer, leave that crap at home and bring your buddies a nice classic brew unless you have cleared with all team members in advance of game night, but no less than a 24 hour notice.
With all of the terrible officiating, violations, and conspiracies that have occurred over the past few weeks, along with the cheap play exemplified by a few in the league, we are pleased to let the league know that the Board has selected the new Director of Player Safety and Health which will be announced this week. This person will be responsible for dolling out league suspensions and fines and has final say in all matters involving the Greasy Mitts player’s association members. We would like to congratulate this person in advance for their future endeavors with the league and wish them well in dealing with this band of misfits.
Alright, on to the power rankings…
1*. Team Black – note they are the clear leader in the standings however an asterisk has denoted in this week’s power rankings due to the alleged cheating and conspiracy they have with Luke.
2. Team Green – Despite going 2-2 last week the have a lock on second place in the league. This team continues to roll despite missing their captain the past few weeks. Rumor has it he took a quick trip to Romania to see someone about a webcam.
3. If you are not in the top two, you still don’t matter however I will give honorable mention to team blue who pulled out 3 wins last week which was much improved from the prior two weeks.
Happy holiday’s boys and we will see you at the rink.
P.s.
Well, well, well if you don’t know how special today is then you are not on your game. I would like to take the time to wish the Commissioner, (aka Mr. Big Time, shovel winning, walleye chopping, Rochester running, Director of Rand McNally, beer lovin, hockey nut, Double D).
In trying to get our interview scheduled with the Vince McMahon of Greasy Mitts, he must have mistakenly answered his phone when we reached out and before he could tell us he was too busy, I wished him a very happy 40th birthday. He responded, with the following:
To be the man, you've got to beat the man. I'm Donny! The Stylin', profilin', limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin' n' dealin' son of a gun!
I told him that the great Ric Flair said that and he said:
No, he got it from me!
Perhaps we will see him in a feather boa and robe tomorrow that says on the back “The best there is, the best there was, the best there will ever be”. Hopefully this guys 40’s will be as good to him as his first 39 years have been and he will continue to lead us all in song for another decade.
Happy Birthday Dan.